Low Sex Drive in Women

I am officially a card-carrying LRD fan... because you put this question out there.

My husband (a retired OB/GYN) finds a current tv ad annoying; man and woman have had a fight, and he brings home some (high note of ecstacy in the background) KY that is fun.

I let my husband have chapter and verse about the grown women, married 15 years and sexually active much longer, who have told me "last night I had my FIRST orgasm, and I was alone".

I am always shocked and sad. No, not really their husband's fault, but certainly their failure. Any woman who is not having better sex this year than last year is being cheated.

Our progressive, humanistic culture still leaves way too many women behind with this.

Well, in the 60s fun and experimentation were suddenly popular, and we had Kama Sutra oil, and a few other substances. really benign herbal substances can do different things to the mucous membranes and nerves in different people. But try them out, we are all individual, and it can be frustrating if something feels good and wont let you "finish".

Good one, ERich, I think that would be me also...aged over 60 years and still my guy's favorite!

Tru dat, littlereddog! Sex drive is easy when you are with the one who rocks your world. Perhaps this needs to be a guideline and unless it is apparent it might not be worth the effort.

I'm 66 and have friends my age and we have as much fun as we've always had and that is a whole lot of fun. I don't think we lose our sensuality or sex appeal because we're old but because we act old. I wouldn't want to get it on with a fuddy duddy so can understand some in later life would display reluctance. However, when you are hanging with your best friend and still enjoy rolling around like puppies that is another story all together.

Thanks littlereddog!

Good one kj and so true. The pregnancy thing is a big one for sure. Having that no longer an issue certainly is an enhancement and a motivator.

We don't tell, we don't yell, we don't swell and we're grateful as hell......

Where u been all my life??

lrd...u just need rejuvenating 'injections'...."special" injections

That study might be right on but I spent 20 years away from my guy and I guess some women don't mind catching up with what they missed even at 66.

Hello Ladies and gentlemen.

The "study" might show trends, but NOWHERE did is say there was any known upper limit to feeling good, love, and good intimacy....so forget the books, be who you are, love who you are, and enjoy yourself when you can......

Citizen, I am amazed to find it's like learning anything else: there is always more.

SoCAGal:

Whatever age you are...I encourage you to fully experience and enjoy your sensuality, sexuality, and the love you share with your spouse......

There is absolutely NO REASON why a Lady cannot approach her spouse when she is feeling the need for pleasure...and take all the pleasure she can possibly bear with his help and loving assistance...

If you could read the mind of your spouse...I'm betting he can remember when you have "seduced him"....and I'm sure every single time was for him a memorable event.....so consider doing it no matter how long you have been married...as the effect never, ever gets old....and it will almost certainly lead to the pleasures you are seeking in the end...assuming the poor man does not die of a heart attack...but if he does, know he would have had it NO OTHER WAY...than to die in the act of sharing his most intimate love with his spouse..... Truth be known...there are probably no other intimate memories in your spouse's head any more except those he has shared with you....memories are that way when you are truly with the one you love.......

Do not every be ashamed of any sexual/sensual needs you have. It is NOT a sin to be horny and needing the love attention of your spouse.... Please miss not a moment of what it means to approach and appreciate your female needs.....and I encourage you to teach and mentor your spouse as may be necessary to assist you in attaining the pleasure types and levels you desire....

US Citizen: My spouse has always been good about giving me pleasure. I find it frustrating at times that he is so selfish about pleasuring me and that I am unable to have fun and pleasure him. Thank you for the extra "permission" to enjoy the "sensuality, sexuality and the love I share with my spouse".

Religion has always played a big part in the guilt factor when it comes to sex. In my own religion, we are taught to not engage in sexual activity until we are married. In addition, the main purpose of intimacy with our spouses is for the purpose of procreation. And then add to that the fact that we are not allowed to masturbate, no wonder we feel like we can't enjoy it. Even once you get married, its hard to get that mind set out of your mind to allow you to fully enjoy sex. I'm lucky in that my spouse has taught me to enjoy sex and the pleasure it brings and to not feel guilty about it. It's OK. And at the risk of being too graphic, females have a clitoris for a reason - and that reason has nothing at all to do with procreation.

I find it frustrating at times

Teach him what it is you need to not only receive, but give....do what you need to to reduce your frustrations.....

I believe the marriage vows contain the phrase "....love and obey...." ... so if your lawfully wedded husband wants you to feel pleasure...and knows you may be pleasured in various ways - you can "obey" your spouse and in that way completely absolve yourself of any guilt within your marriage, and within your marital vows, for feeling the sensuality, sexuality, and love....and all the pleasure you are interested in......via any "way" that doesn't hurt you......

If your husband feels at all about you like I feel about my wife, he will be open to whatever you have to say about how to better pleasure you, absolve you of any guilt for feeling the pleasure, etc.

Also, I think it is not a bad idea at all to "practice" procreating just in case procreation is needing to happen again.....best not to fall out of practice, right ;)

Citizen and SoCal, religion is not my number one guess... actually it is other women! I was taught some strait-laced nonsense by my mother, and my peers were surprisingly mis-informed too.

But as I got up to the GREAT advanced age of 35 (!!) other women started to tell me it was time to get over it; cut my hair; get used to reality. I always wanted to ask them, are you totally out of your mind?

ducksinthewind: If you are 35 years old...you are NOT at an advanced age. In fact, your sex drive is likely to keep on increasing right up to at least the mid fifties.

The "old wisdom" is not all bad...but what females missed out on due to plain old human ignorance and the "don't talk about it" culture that has long existed and only now is being addressed is - in my own opinion - a sin in-and-of-itself. The human female - and here I'm thinking of Mothers in particular - do so much for OTHER PEOPLE that if they cannot AT LEAST receive and enjoy their pleasures I feel a great wrong is being done.

The fear that a female cannot have multiple orgasms and not turn into a sexual monster, or a predator, or a lush, or ? is COMPLETE BS.

Do what makes you feel like you with your hair, and your life, just so the marital vows and covenants (if any...) stay intact, and no one is being (at least) physically hurt, I say educate yourself about you, then educate you man if you have too, and take what is likely to be the only really pleasurable non-taxable thing left on Earth and enjoy it while you can......

US

ducksinthewind: If you are 35 years old...you are NOT at an advanced age. In fact, your sex drive is likely to keep on increasing right up to at least the mid fifties.

How about mid 60's? I think that many assume they are dead meat by the time they reach middle age...which is what these days? We are fed all kinds of indoctrination and it is a lot to wade through but well worth the effort. I was raised the Prude way and did get over it. In the 60's women weren't really supposed to get pleasure from sex and yet expected to be sexy. Sometimes men resented their wives having orgasms so I think many of us tried to avoid annoying our man. We were fed a lot of garbage in the 50's and 60's and it was difficult but not impossible to retrain ourselves. Having multiple orgasms will not turn a woman into a sexual monster and for the right man will be an amazing asset.

JS: Agreed. The study "cut-off" at fiftyish and stated no upper limit...because I'm sure the real upper limit is "you're dead". So until that point, why not enjoy?

L0L that was 21 years ago. I mean that other women were really intent on making each other (me) a-sexual by the age of 35. I am 56 and last year, and every year I learned more about sexuality than all the previous years combined.

This a-sexual personna is a cultural icon, you have no idea how often I have been advised about long hair, how I stand, even looking directly at men. I am no show-girl, but sexual identity is intently squashed in American women at a surprisingly young age.

My hair is (ahem, "gray retouched") and still very long.

My hair is white and once was black. I don't even try to cover it as I tried once and it bombed. Except for a baggier birthday suit I'm the same size I've always been and this makes me very happy. I think you are right on ducksinthewind about suppressing sexuality and women. I've been told I am very "sexy" but I have a hunch that because I am an eye contact big smile mess with you and make you laugh kind of person this might be construed as sexy. I don't really know, as "sexy" makes me laugh too as I visualize some of the women considered sexy and oh my, I don't think so.

I was taught that sex is wrong before marriage and a "duty" after marriage. Wow, something to really look forward to, right?

Well js, here are your new "priorities":

First, your "marital duty" is to get shots off, at least several times, and in the process let your hubby have a turn with his "single shot". This will take the "duty" right out of things, and make it a "look forward to" type activity, at least from my point of view...

The sex before marriage thing I have at least two opinions on. First, for those too young to literally afford to have a baby and then take care of it, or otherwise "too young to know better", it's definitely a bad idea.

However, as age advances, and having any more kids becomes basically a "non-event", and in particular as some who have been divorced...have been divorced for a reason, checking out various "habits" may well be worth some intimate time, just so all the other "signs" are "in the green". There is also the "you're not just marrying a person, you're marrying a family" and kids have been known to make an otherwise excellent marriage match a complete living hell for the non-family member. Etc.

My "standard rule" always would have applied anyway: "Never have sexual activity with any person you are not willing to have a child with".

Great advice US but I was willing to have a baby conceived by a rapist so where do I stand here? Just joking of course but it is very true and essential that if you think you want a relationship invest some time in the family. It might not be the best idea once you get to know them.

I am wearing a "I'm on the List" shirt today and of course many ask "what list?" A woman asked "You mean the Bucket List?" and I said, "Indeed" pointed to my husband and said, "His Bucket List". I think this is a major reason our relationship is so much fun as he was delighted that I said what I did about being on his list. It's little things that make heat!

Socagal- what in the world church won't permit masturbation??? I never hard of such crap!

Oh and I suppose you aren't supposed to enjoy sex either? Must have been some man that made these rules for women...

littlereddog so we must be the lyrics of the song, "you are never fully dressed without a smile"? I love it when a mega grumpy cannot resist and one tiny corner of the mouth goes up a just a tad. Sometimes people won't make eye contact but I've found most will look as I believe happy energy is hard to dismiss no matter how humbug you may claim. Also the handicapped those down on their luck love a happy face and often will register joyful surprise in receiving a smile. I guess I'm just a bit of a selfish smile junky running about hoping to entice joy.

In-your-face eye contact is considered very bold in most cultures. (Thinking not so American provicial for a minute). There is a lot of appeal in it, AND as you say, smiling.

Do women realize that a man will stop on a dime, choose and follow the smiling woman? How can we think that drama-queens are more attractive?

As someone whose year book photos all look like a Irish setter, I learned early that a SANE and happy man is looking for someone like me. The drama queens get pretty much the stuff I dont want.

ducksinthewind I think eye contact is still very bold but people never mess with me. I learned quickly that head up eye to eye was friendly yet intimidating in some manner. When people look down and never see anything around them predators see them as a mark. If we appear to know what is going on all around us they back away and think we are too much trouble which we are. I rarely have to exercise intimidation but it has happened and silent intimation is the best.

I saw a friend and wife from high school a couple of times with a year in between visits. The man still brings up that I was "the most beautiful girl in high school" something akin to "the fairest in all the land". He's said the same thing at reunions and other men chime in and it is sweet but a bit odd to me. They still don't realize that I was a friend to everyone and in that most everyone was in favor of me. There were plenty of beautiful drama queens fussing and griping gossiping and giving stink-eye to each other. I didn't like their game and never played it so I think that's how I got so beautiful in the eyes of my classmates…class of '62.

You must have been very beautiful too, ducksinthewind as Irish Setters are gorgeous.

Js, I totally agree that looking up separates us instantly from the lambs that predators look for.

Eye contact has a darker consequence in many countries, where (in Italy) a woman walking hand in hand with her husband will get GROPED by a stranger, because she was so brazen. Islamist countries, much worse happens, and they even legislate against it. Damn thats just scary.

btw, "stink eye" is a regional expression where I come from (Hawaii)... are you from there?

ducksinthewind Kailua Kona Hawai'i!

I wouldn't be brazen (love that word) where it was unacceptable but I doubt if I'll ever travel where it is taboo anyway. I lived in Portland OR most of my life and it is a pretty welcoming outgoing place just as the island. It is a true comfort zone for me.

Wonderful to know! I am from Kauai, living in purgatorial AZ right now, which is a horrid contrast. People from Hawaii recognize each other often by the open gaze and unguarded smile.

Thanks, made my day

Hawaii is really easy! We have a bunch of friends at the beach we use that are regulars. It is great as we greet each other like friends not look the other way and attempt to ignore that we see each other 4-5 times a week.

I plan to see Kauai one of these days. I have buddies that hit Kauai and Maui a lot. Some come to the Big Island but not as many as go to Oahu, Kauai and Maui. There isn't a lot of nightlife here but there is everything else divine. I like drinking at home anyway.;)

littlereddog I had a conversation with my husband about your seed and it was pretty enlightening for me. He said sex has always been a top priority for him but not any old sex. I'm the same. If it isn't good I'm good to myself and pass. We have been together as a couple for 24 years yet spent 20 of those years apart (two together on each end of the 24 yrs). We knew a good thing when we had it and waited for each other. It didn't seem to be much of a sacrifice, as what we have does not compare with anything we've ever had. I think all the hype about women's low libido is more in the companion than the hormones or change of life. When we are young we are little horn dogs but that never lasts long as we get really disappointed.

I'm very happy you seeded this article as it has lead to some very interesting conversations opinions and humor. Thank you.

I second that! This is a great article.

littlereddog: Love the dog btw. OK, so stick to the streams you feel safe in. But please keep on. You have provided something really worthwhile here. It’s good, no it’s very good.

Mcniff.

I say! Is that you my dear? What an attractive example of woman kind. But, I have rather got a problem now,with what to call you. So, out of gallantry, I shall just abstain. :>)

Mcniff.

Oh, no I did not. Just because sometimes I don't comment, it doesn’t mean I have not visited. I always watch over my friends every day. I saw it, and it looked adorable. We have just got another, this time a working Cocker. May I call you Red, or might that be a little forward. The picture looks fine. better than a photo of your home.

Mcniff.

Well , I couldn't possibly call you a dog, because a dog you are not. Indeed, you are far from one! So whist your picture is there I shall call you Red. :>)

Mcniff.

lrd............i'm in looovvvvvvvvveeeeee!!!!! FOXY lady!!!awwwwoooooooo!!

LR: (no D) it doesn’t become you. A number of my friends have looked at this article now. They are not on the vine, they just looked, I do that too some times. They are mostly women; they think that what you have put up, is extremely interesting. By that I can only assume that they empathise in some way. You are making a difference to women’s lives, I dare say, that you may well be educating a few men at the same time. There is something I should like to share with you, but it is rather personal. I wouldn’t mind contacting you through the contact the author page on your column, if that’s OK with you.

Mcniff.

LR: OK, but I have a house guest, up for the weekend. A viner too. It’s getting dark, and I like to take the dogs out for exercise, so, if it’s alright by you I will put my email together in the morning, after my guest has left. She is an American also, but that makes no difference I suppose.

Mcniff.

I'm too old for you!

Well then young lady, just how old do u think I am??

I'll give u a hint, Ike was still in office.............

'57 was a very good year!

U??

And 1944!

I just LOVE mature women!

The occasional 20 something is ok, but I'll spend a lot more effort with a woman

Now there's my BAD BOY!!

cum here u.............

Oh, can we segue into the question of age? This is not a competition, I dont feel one-upped by a blushing 20 year old. If they are happy, if men whose taste runs to 20 year olds are happy, I'm happy. There is always someone looking for me, too.

Creating competition and malice is just sad. Probably troubled by a desire for someone, when they are not looking for the person we happen to be.

I believe that many females were raised to believe there was competition and it was expected. However the woman or man not playing into the game is always the most attractive and pursued much more than others. It would be so lovely if people could cast off some of that mundane silliness and just have fun. The chase is fun and all that but so many don't want what they catch toss them aside and head on to the next conquest. This kind of trips up true love.

Perrie, stress does put a damper on friskiness that's for sure. You are not alone on this aspect. I think the routine of everyday living can make a difference also. Sometimes ruts happen (no pun intended) and all of a sudden we discover that we are on automatic pilot and not really motivated to change this condition. However most of us realize this and make necessary changes and all is well again.

I will offer this:

My own satisfaction is very heavily influenced by my spouse's satisfaction. I cannot ignore it when she is feeling bad, and if so, cannot bring myself to merely use her body for "release" and would much, much rather comfort and be with her and put off sexuality until she is feeling better again. If I can initiate foreplay, and she relaxes and can enjoy it as much as I do, then that's OK.....and I can proceed. Or respond to her if the reverse is true....

So if either you or your spouse are all stressed out, maybe it is time for mutual body holding, lying together, and being comforted by one another, with the inevitable rise of lust for one another coming at a later time when you are both ready again......

I think the "routine" thing is also very insightful. A good loving routine can indeed become...well...routine. The comfort level becomes so normal it is taken almost for granted, and this can lead to boredom...until said security and comfort are needed once again. So, some advice to self, there is a need to get things "outdoors" and do activities away from the home, so that the entire life isn't centered in the home day after day, and thus, the home is seen as a safe sanctuary after said periodic activity, instead of a boredom trap.

US I wonder if my husband is on Newsvine right now under your tag! What a beautiful statement. I believe the buddy aspect of my relationship with my husband is the best part. We treat each other like "roll around like puppies" friends. We have times when one or the other of us aren't up to speed but we never take it out on each other. No Blame Game or Poor Me Ain't It Awful with us. He is the only man I have initiated sex with so I think this says it all.

Isn't it the coolest thing to be really good friends with the same person you're in love with?

You're truly lucky, js.

js: I am glad your marital relationship is as it is. That the rote "expectation" thing is low....and the "friendship" and "being there" thing is high is a good thing I agree.....

believer: Agreed. It is so beautiful to be friends and lovers....so much better than the lust and friends but NOT lovers thing could ever be.....

Have a good day both of you.....

littlereddog libido is a strange condition I'll admit and if said conditions are not right libido can fly right out the window. I understand what you are saying so well as I have been married four times and this is the first where all of the components are in line. I'll go back in time and say that I also had a hard time feeling excited about having sex with my husband. My biggest problem is having someone boss me around moan and groan and continually complain about petty and insignificant issues. It was very hard for me to get amorous with someone who did not take the time to invest themselves in playfulness and foreplay. I did not enjoy the stress and tension around the relationship and the "let's do it" and only feeling like I could be a blow up doll and mean just as much to my partner. It is very difficult to be "in service" to another and basically ignored at the same time.

I think we all have times when we are so self-absorbed that we forget to engage in healthy rapport and silliness. I have noticed that some couples seem like they are dragging a ball and chain with each other's names on them.

The man I am with now has been a best buddy for 38 years. We spent two years together and twenty years apart. In between the 20 years I visited one time in the mid 90's. When it was time for me to retire I came back to him and we are working on our third year together again. We had some things to work out of course as being single for so long even a relationship with someone as dear as we are for each other can have glitches. Once we got past the "expectations" and being touchy about some subjects everything ironed out and we were on a roll. I think trust is the biggest hurdle and once that's in line the rest goes smoothly. He is 59 and I am 66 so don't give up hope littlereddog!

Littlereddog:

Have you considered just taking his hand...and putting it where it needs to be...and literally demonstrating "do that"? And adjusting bodies as necessary to get the desired effect?

Or just say, "please do this to me".

He may have somehow gotten the idea you are not interested anymore....and you both may have ended up in the "being polite to each other" situation.

Seeing your spouse all worked-up and "turned-on" can be a major turn-on in itself. So teach me in any manner you can comfortably do so how to "turn you on" and don't be too surprised if it affects him...and he ends up the same way.

All just thrown out for consideration.....

Due to my age littlereddog I was raised without a clue about sexuality and relationships. Sex was always a taboo topic. I don't blame my ex-husbands for their naivete, as mine was equal. I believe open communication was hard for both sides. It is disappointing that so many of us got stuck in playing off indoctrination rather than saying, 'To heck with it I'll do what I want'. I know that once I began looking around listening to others and researching my life evolved in a much better manner. I don't know if you can teach a partner new tricks but it is worth a try. I'm sure you don't want to keep heading in the same direction as the distance becomes further and further away from your goal.

In my younger years I was always so worried about other people and doing the right thing. I was taken advantage of and abuse at times only due to my inexperience and inability to tell anyone "no". When I hit the big 28 I made a pact with myself that there would be no more "victim" rolls no dramas just living as life was supposed to be lived. I figured that since I would never harm another lie or cheat I had a right to do it my way.

I need to write an article about premature ejaculation......and that's all I'm going to say about that.

OK, here's a bit of insight: If a man takes a dose of an SSRI class anti-depressant: the popular ones being Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Cymbalta, etc., it "slows things down", in some cases to the point where a man can't ejaculate at all. So if one is found that is on the "light side" of inhibition....well, read on.....

So if "haired too easily short-triggered" is an issue in life, there may be a solution in seeing a doc, getting a lose dose Rx for something like this, and literally "retraining" the thing so it dosn't get all spasmotic upon being introduced to it's complementary mate. This is a nice reverse strategy too, as it requires the guy do something for a change...which you Ladies might well find yourself smiling about...as usually it's YOU the ends up taking a pill. Psychological conditioning I think has a lot to do with this kind of thing, so if you can get some "slowed down" experience, the drug can probably be tossed eventually, as it will then be "retrained".

Just an idea for those that might be interested.....

For females an SSRI can and often does prevent reaching climax...which is why if your sex life is being inhibited by the anti-depressant, it may well be time to try another anti-depressant so that one can be "not-depressed" for the "right reasons" and not because there have been no climaxes since taking the "anti-depressant"......

For guys - especially at low doses - it can just slow down reaching climax so that the sex act takes longer than a few seconds...and happens indoors, rather than outdoors in the "worst circumstance".

I throw a picture of my mug on my page once in awhile just to see if anyone is paying attention. I believe you are the first to catch it. It won't be there for long.

I'm paying attention.

You should leave it up :-)

Well I have no opinion on the avatar aspect. It makes no difference to what I said, and to my friendship, any way I like the doggy pictures. I already said so. As to your picture, all I can say is that I wished I could say the same about myself. :>). But, yes your friend may have a point.

As to your comment “I also will note that you haven't left any of your own pearls of wisdom. What say you, Mcniff?” I will give a thought out response, at the end I think. Keep on doing a good job littlereddog.

Mcniff.

Silly goose! For, I hope you get the picture read, I hope you understand the whole of what I am saying to you. We have a collection of canines. 1.Cairn Terrier. 2. English Springer’s. (working) 1 Cocker, too young to work. And two dachshunds (too old to do anything apart from eat drink and walk).

Littlereddog: got your mail. Will reply:>) Or am I still not getting it and I'm rapidly digging myself deeper into a dummy hole? :0 Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you were simplya victim of English colloquialisms.

Mcniff.